This isn’t going to be the happiest of posts I’ve done, but life isn’t all roses and sunshine.
I am extremely drained. So tired. My brain doesn’t seem to stop working but it’s just it’s way of trying to process everything.
It will soon be a year since I left living with my sister. The person I’ve felt so guilty writing about. I keep thinking, what if one day she changes and this blog is out there. Holding some of the most awful things she’s probably ever done in her life, for all to see.
But you know what, it’s nearly been a year. This is my truth and I shouldn’t feel guilty for expressing myself, for healing myself. For so long I had no voice, I was silent, alone and lost after watching my mum lose her battle to cancer. I felt useless, powerless and empty due to the fact I couldn’t do anything to save her. I wanted to so bad, like I’ve never wanted anything before.
Then, before I could even begin to heal over losing her, I was forced to watch the second most important woman in my life deteriorate and lose herself to drugs and sadness.
Now I stand, trying to re-stitch the broken pieces of my heart back together. Which I will do. I will heal and I will recover and I will move onto the great things I know I can achieve.
Nothing will ever beat me, I simply won’t allow that.
But I look around me now, and I am disappointed. My family is not small, neither is my friendship group.
I want to ask them all, where are you and where have you been. Seven years, I spent dying inside and nobody had the strength to help me. I was a child. At this moment in time I am unsure I have the capacity to allow those people into my life. I don’t want too honestly.
I find myself wanting to ask them:
Who do you think I am?
Who the FUCK do you think I am, more truthfully.
I am a brother, nephew, cousin, friend, son and a human being. A fucking tremendous one at that.
So many of them, I feel brushed everything under the rug and left me. And I find myself accommodating their guilt, acting as though I am okay with them all when I am not.
Having to answer them when they ask “why haven’t you been in touch”
I am no longer serving others emotions and feelings.
I had to fight harder than I’ve ever fought and hopefully will ever have to fight in my life to work through my issues, emotions and feelings.
Those people that stood by, spectated or worse, didn’t even look at the dire situation I was in, can do the same.
For a long time all I could do was look back and see my pain. Everyone talks about lovers breaking your heart, but I have no doubt in my mind my heart will never hurt the way it has done after losing two of my closest family members.
But now, I look back and I see something else, I feel something else.
I have so much of it inside of me, I carried myself through those years. Alone. I became my own best friend, the person I went to with my problems, was me. The person I looked too for support, was me. The person who kept me from taking my own life, was me.
Because I know I am worth more than I have been led to believe.
And I fight every single day to work towards the life I deserve. The life I will create.
And to those that abandoned me. I let you go.
As I look around I see a handful of people. And those people are worth more than any of those that abandoned me.
They show me pure love, I am humbled to have them in my life.
It’s nearly been a year since I left. And I am so proud for all I’ve achieved, my strength continues to amaze me.
So now, I’ll admit I was waiting for someone to come to my aid. Now I remember, I’m my own hero.
We can only be responsible for ourselves and what we allow is what will continue. So this blog post is me releasing all those people I have no interest or desire to keep in my life. Along with the emotions and energies tied to them.
You are no longer apart of who I am.
Heal your own guilt, as I have healed myself.
So yes this blog post isn’t the most positive, but all I can do is be honest. I don’t write for others, I am writing for myself, this is apart of my healing. Part of my journey.
All I am doing is healing right now. I look forward to the day I can transform all I’ve been through into armour that will carry me forward in my life, and I will help others. But not yet, now, I help myself.
Thank you for reading and sharing this experience with me ❤️