Have you ever been out somewhere, surrounded by people, but you just feel like you were out of place. Like you should be somewhere else, doing something else. Last night I was out in Manchester, gay village and I just felt out of sync. It was like I was looking at things that have offered me fulfilment in the past but, I felt nothing.
It made me realise, it’s okay to say “I am thankful for this experience, but It isn’t fulfilling to me in this moment.”
I think we can put a lot of pressure onto ourselves to be the fun one, the crazy one and the one who is always up for a party. But who are doing that for? Certainly not ourselves.
It’s almost like there is this insecurity that we need to be the most fun and exciting versions of ourselves all the time. Like we constantly have to show what we have to offer, I may just be old-headed but I don’t want to do that anymore.
We are not one dimensional as people, we have so many different parts to us that make us whole. Good and bad, each make us unique and beautiful. I’m being cringe-worthy, I know but its the truth.
I don’t want to force myself into situations just because all of my friends are going out and I don’t want to seem boring. Some nights I want to sit in my dressing gown, sip tea and write like I’m some sort of world renowned author! Some days, I may want to sit on my own and meditate, some days I want to cry and be sad at the world, some days I want to laugh till I can’t breathe with my friends and some days, I may want to just appreciate life and dance until the sun comes up.
It’s all me, it’s all good.
I’ve spent a-lot of time placing myself in situations and interactions where I’ve blocked my true-self, my true-feelings just for the sake of trying to ‘look the part’. And it made me kinda bitter and judgemental. Not because it was anyone else’s fault, I just placed my frustration at myself, onto others.
Reality is, nobody else controls what you do, where you go or how you do things. It’s down to you to channel your own emotions. It’s up to you to prioritise yourself. So as of today, i’m going to be more pro-active in honouring my feelings, If I wanna be an old man and be in bed by 9pm on a Saturday night. I shall do it. If I wanna go out and dance till I can’t walk, i’ll do it.
Do you, be you and most importantly, love you, whatever part of you you’re showing.
The rest will fall into place, just put yourself in a position where you are doing what truly makes you happy in the present moment.
End of my cringe-worthy post, no apologies though. Hope you enjoyed and I hope it got your own brain working too, what is it you want to do right now that’ll make you happy?