The foundations that made me, me.

I wanted to give an introduction about me, I want you guys to know who I am. Who I really am, I feel that by sharing my experiences you can gain an understanding of how I came to be the person that I am today.

I’m a deep person, I’ve been called an old soul many a time in my life. I think it’s a sad truth that a lot of my ways of thinking comes from the pain and hardships I’ve experienced.

I’m not the person who will sit and look to people in hopes they’ll pity me though, not at all. Me sharing is quite the opposite really, I hope by sharing what I’ve experienced I can inspire others to find the strength in themselves to persevere and realise and acknowledge the strength they have already have too.

Not all of my ways of thinking come from pain however. I believe life has a very fine balance of good and bad.Without the bad, you can’t appreciate the good, and vice versa. So whilst I’ve had my fair share of hardship I’ve also had my fair share of goodness. 

One of the main positives in my life is my mum. Growing up she was always the person who believed in me, allowed me to discover who I was and venture down different avenues of self discovery. Which may sound slightly mad and exaggerative but she did.

I can remember growing up, she allowed me to play with the barbie dolls, wear make-up and even high heels if I wanted! She never put any restraint on who I could be. She let it flow naturally and I am forever grateful for that.

I think most importantly, she let it happen on my terms. As a parent she was a guide, not a sculpter.  I made myself, she made sure I knew I was supported, simply. She allowed me to discover the fulfilment and strength that comes from simply being yourself.

The love I have for her is so strong sometimes my heart feels it could explode. 

Sadly she passed away when I was thirteen after a short battle with cancer. Life did take a dramatic turn at that point. But as I said earlier life has a fine balance of good and bad. I’m not going to sugar coat it, a lot of bad came for the next seven years. Not all bad, but it was not a morally acceptable way to live and I will never allow myself to be surrounded by such badness again. 

I failed to grieve after mum died, I began self-harming, I became addicted to painkillers and even escorted. I was sexually assaulted, taken advantage off, I suffered with depression and became suicidal. Now, what happened to me stemmed from neglect I’d say. There was an awful lot in those years that happened which was nothing more than abuse. 

I often tried to sugar coat things for, even with all the hurt and pain I experienced. I know it was hurt and pain which spurred people to act how they did. I still have love for people, but I can not hide from the truth. And if by me speaking my truth can help others identify and get out of a toxic situation. I’d be happy.

So I’ll be honest, some days yes, I can look back with resentment and a whole load of others unhealthy emotions but it’s all apart of the process.  

 After mum died, I lived with my sister. The best way I can comprehend and describe what happened is by saying that, the hurt and devastation of my mums death threw every single person into a tail spin. It seemed everyone was trying to do what they thought was right but their own hurt and emotions managed to cloud their vision.

Some walked away and turned a blind eye, some tried to go on like they did before, some allowed their hurt to turn them bitter. 

My sister in particular used drugs. Perhaps to deal with the pain, perhaps to cope. I can’t say, I don’t know exactly what went on in her  mind. What I can say however, no child should have experienced the things I did. As I said before, some days I am full of resentment that nobody seemed to take control and take me, the child away from such a dire situation. I felt I was failed by many a person in my life.

However, I don’t believe hate is the way forward. I also don’t believe anybody was naturally evil or twisted in making the choices they  did. I think it was pain that manifested inside them and led them astray, myself included at times.

So I won’t  portray that I was a forever innocent part in all of this. I was in this situation from thirteen to twenty. I was an adult for a part of it. I lied, I manipulated and I too hurt people.

The healthy choice for me was to move on from the environment and individuals. I do not hold what they have done as a life sentence, I believe change can happen in an instant. I simply am protecting my own energy, in order to fully confront and heal from what I experienced.

Now, nearly nine months after leaving this situation. I am nowhere near fully healed or recovered from what I experienced. It’s been one of the hardest journeys yet and know it’ll still require me to constantly develop and evolve myself further and further to continue on this path of healing.

But the thing I hold most important, is that I am on that path. 

I believe what we go through and experience can either be tools for personal betterment or tools for self destruction. I intend to become the best  I can be, whilst understanding that will constantly change as I grow and develop. I will not however allow the experiences I’ve encountered to deter me from that path. In fact I use them to fuel me on in betterment of myself. 

Whilst I am prioritising myself and my own journey. I hope to use this blog and my other social media platforms to offer a guidance and inspiration to others dealing with their own experiences. Simply by being open and talking about the things that we should all be able to talk about.

I hope you got a sense of who I am after all of that! Feel free to follow my social media pages, linked above.

You’re always welcome to share your own feelings and thoughts, publically or privately. I’m always keen to see others perspectives and ways of thinking and healing.

Thank you for reading!

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